Are you as fast as the people you are leading or as slow as the people that are dragging behind you?

“The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority.
A second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority.
A first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.”
A.A. Milne

Most leaders know the pace of their own thinking. They also know a portion of their role is to get out ahead of the current situation and offer visionary thinking. Often, their ideas require those that follow them to think at a matching pace, make the necessary transition from “what is” to “what will be”, and be ready to support their leadership in a timely fashion.

Whether you’re leading a business, a team, or the proverbial “horse to water”, you may discover that you’ll only be as fast as the thinking of your slowest-thinking follower. This relationship produces a phenomenon I call, Leadership Drag. 

People who follow decisive thinking leaders generally fall into three types: 

1. No Thinkers

2. Whoa Thinkers and

3. Go Thinkers

Developing a clear understanding and appreciation of how each of these thinking styles impacts your leadership ability can help you determine the best ways to approach, cultivate and unleash the thinking styles of those you lead.

Do you know what kind of thinker you are?

Do you know what kind of thinkers are found in the people you lead?

Join me as I explore the three thinking styles of the people you lead.

NO THINKERS

Have you ever led a committee seeking a solution to a nagging problem? Perhaps you’ve noticed that only a few people in the group are doing most of the “heavy” lifting while a small portion remain tacit and untethered to the outcome. These people are No Thinkers.

No Thinkers are not people who respond to every new idea or suggestion with a “No”. No Thinkers are people who have simply chosen not to think about something until they have little or no choice at all.

No Thinkers provide the maximum amount of friction creating Leadership Drag. Their extremely passive behavior ultimately limits your ability to lead. No Thinkers require extra energy on your part just to elicit and understand their thinking so you can build a consensus around your idea.

Many of these No Thinkers manage to exist on a plain of self-limiting thinking. It is not that they do not think at all. They are, from time to time, great and fervent thinkers. What dominates their thinking is inability. Particularly, the inability to think outside the box or take risks. They lack the ability to be original, decisive and energetic. They seek and find comfort in waiting to see “how the wind blows” before expressing either their support or opposition.

Most people develop their thinking style based on experience and confidence. For a certain number of followers, embracing life as a No Thinker is a quiet, comfortable, risk-free existence. The less they express, the less is expected of them. The less they offer, the less they have to defend. It is not uncommon for most No Thinkers to have had their ideas diminished, belittled and dismissed by a leader insensitive and disrespectful of their passive style. This is not a follower’s dilemma, it is a leader’s problem.

Pastor Andy Stanley said, “Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” If you’re leading No Thinkers, think of ways you can minimize friction and decrease their effect on Leadership Drag by non-judgmentally listening to what they feel and seeking ways to help them express themselves about your ideas, those of others, and even their own.

WHOA THINKERS

In every situation there is always a person who sees their primary function as the “voice of reason”. This type of thinker is a Whoa Thinker. Whoa Thinkers have their greatest influence on Leadership Drag through their verbal tendency to “slam on the brakes” of progress. In many cases, they are fervent champions of “change avoidance” and defenders of the status quo. Whenever and wherever change is proposed through strategic leadership thinking, you can count on Whoa Thinkers to righteously proclaim there is no need to “rush” into something. “What we have is working so far, why change it?” is their rallying cry.

While Whoa Thinkers are not hesitant to share their thinking, their highest drag potential can be found after consensus has been reached. In their last-ditch effort to avoid the perils of the unknown world of “change”, they will go “all in” in an effort to thwart fast leadership thinking.

Although they may not have ultimate decision influence, they are still a faction of followers that a leader must learn how to integrate into their thinking strategy. Offering Whoa Thinkers the earliest opportunity to voice their thinking can go a long way to helping a leader get out ahead of potential objections and other opposition thinking. Also, offering Whoa Thinkers a visible seat at the table can provide an opportunity to allow them to embrace ownership and responsibility for change initiatives as their own instead of feeling they are victims of progress.

GO THINKERS

Is there a downside to enthusiasm? Of course, there is. Enthusiasm, while an admirable quality, can have a tendency to cloud and distort rational thinking.

Go Thinkers are wonderful supporters of leadership thinking. They rarely question a leader’s judgement, preferring instead to maintain close ties with the leader through a confidential and strategic relationship. 

While Go Thinkers usually have high levels of self-esteem, they can, at times, be blinded by their own brilliance. When engaging with a Go Thinker as a leader,  you should think about stepping back and taking a more candid look at what a Go Thinker is really saying to you. Are you hearing honest appraisals of your ideas or aggrandizement designed to further elevate the Go Thinker’s confidential status?

As a leader, Go Thinkers are important for you. But you should also be aware that blind allegiance can expose a leader to the “Emperor’s Clothes” syndrome. Hence, in your leadership role, you must learn how to temper the thinking of Go Thinkers by allowing yourself to integrate their thinking along with that of the No and Whoa Thinkers you lead.

LEADERSHIP DRAG STRATEGIES

The best strategy for working with No Thinkers, Whoa Thinkers and Go Thinkers, with an eye toward limiting their opportunities of creating Leadership Drag, is to encourage their participation by providing a judgement-free zone in which they can feel safe flexing their “outside-the-box” thinking skills. If, in the end, these thinkers oppose or disagree with the majority thinking, make an extra special effort to applaud their contribution. Leaders need to know, and their followers as well, that it is okay to agree to disagree. This is the adult approach to the world we live in. It is a major strategy in limiting conflict and keeping those you lead focused on the “big picture”. Leaders who cannot convey this attitude will find themselves leading from behind. Ultimately this will cause you to become a pusher of your ideas rather than having them be attractive opportunities you offer.

Leading others can be an awesome experience. Don’t let it slip away by turning a fantastic opportunity into a drag.

Thanks for your support as a reader of my blog and I eagerly welcome any comments on how you’re thinking about achieving the possibility of your promise. Also, I would appreciate any suggestions you might have for future posts in this blog on a topic near and dear to you in the comments section below. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

TheBrain Tamer introduces “The ABC's of Executive Speaking”

“Be sincere; be brief; be seated.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt

In my practice, The Speech Wiz, I coach executives on how they can become high level speakers and leaders. Many of my clients get to speak in a variety of settings from boardrooms to conferences, webinars to meetings, and more. Over the years, I have learned from my clients that the type of speaking they do is highly driven, temporal, and critical to the success of their businesses, organizations and careers. I have also learned that what they do is not classic public speaking but a leadership style that relies heavily on their ability to convey authenticity, practice brevity and demonstrate the highest level of clarity regarding the content and purpose of their speaking.

This knowledge led me to formulate a framework for executive speakers I call “The ABC’s of Executive Speaking”.

WHAT IS EXECUTIVE SPEAKING

Executive Speaking is a category of business communication with high impact, extreme focus, and immediacy. It is most effective when practiced with intention, awareness and skill. Executive speaking is high on content, more relaxed on formality and pivotal to advancing the goals of leadership, policy and engagement. Executive speaking happens whenever and wherever leaders engage their workforce, stakeholders, shareholders, prospects, and customers.

SO SIMPLE, ANYONE CAN DO IT

If you are an executive or aspire to become one, the sooner you embrace “The ABC’s of Executive Speaking” the sooner you will reap its benefits. It is no secret that, in the workplace, the fastest and easiest way to distinguish yourself from others is to demonstrate command and use of advanced communication skills.  Employees with advanced communication are regularly promoted from the ranks of workforces around the globe to take on leadership roles, lead initiatives, and foster change and growth.

The leader who engages “The ABC’s of Executive Speaking” framework will lead better meetings, experience the thrill of truly connecting to their audience, and establish increasingly higher levels of trustworthiness and credibility. They will inspire, motivate, and transform those they lead by demonstrating the strength one gets from being genuine, respectful of other’s time, and model the ability to convey important information simply and effectively.

Anyone can command the skills within the “The ABC’s of Executive Speaking” framework. Mastering “The ABC’s of Executive Speaking” does not require an advanced degree, years of experience, or an impressive title. All you need to succeed is awareness of the elements, a desire to elevate your speaking skillset, and the ability to embrace every speaking opportunity that comes your way.

AN OPEN INVITATION

Over the next three blog posts I will be examining each of the elements of “the ABC’s of Executive Speaking” framework. They are Authenticity, Brevity and Clarity. You’re invited to follow these blogs and gain insight into this simple and highly effective framework for becoming a truly effective and impactful executive speaker. If you lead an organization, I encourage you to invite those you lead to follow these blogs as well.

Thanks for your support as a reader of my blog and I eagerly welcome any comments on how you’re thinking about achieving the possibility of your promise.  Also, I would appreciate any suggestions you might have for future posts in this blog on a topic near and dear to you in the comments section below. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

Here's what it takes to speak like an effective executive.

“There are good leaders who actively guide and bad leaders who actively misguide.
Hence, leadership is about persuasion, presentation and people skills.”
Shiv Khers

A survey conducted a couple of years ago with leading CEOs and CHROs by the Society for Human Resources (SHRM) and the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) concluded that the one skill most valued and most absent in the current workforce was communication skills.

Let’s let that settle in for a moment.

Huh? How could that be?

Don’t big companies prefer leaders that know how to “get things done”, “increase productivity and efficiency”, and “inspire greatness in their employees”?

Well, “Yes” they do. But guess what, these are all things that hard skills find extremely challenging to accomplish.

Why? Because they deeply rely on changing the mindsets and behaviors of people. There are no pills for this. No algorithms, forecasts or computer models either. The only method known to mankind for achieving these business aspirations is the effective practice of genuine, highly focused and clear communication.

Today, this role in business is filled by the executive speaker. The reality is, it is not being done effectively in far too many corners of the business world.

So, how can you become a more effective executive speaker?

THE ABC’S OF EXECUTIVE SPEAKING

Becoming an effective executive speaker requires you to practice and master The ABC’s of Executive Speaking. They are Authenticity, Brevity and Clarity. These three attributes comprise the heart of every effective executive speaker. If you truly want to speak like an effective executive, with all of its power and promise, you must exhibit these qualities when you speak. Nothing less will do.

AUTHENTICITY

Being an effective executive speaker begins and, for intents and purposes, ends here. If you cannot speak with an authentic voice your value, trustworthiness and legacy as an executive will not be firmly established. Authenticity is the foundation upon which everything you say as an executive speaker is built. Authenticity can be thought of as a quality of genuineness, supremely unique to you, the speaker. It is a state of existence in which your natural personality, ethos and pathos are free to surface and make sincere connection to your audience.

Do not confuse Authenticity with Transparency. Transparency is about establishing clear and unfettered access to all elements of an enterprise or endeavor. While an Authentic speaker should be comfortable with being transparent, what can and cannot be disclosed at certain times to certain audiences still remains situational within the world of business. Delicate discretion is a key tool of the Authentic speaker.

Authenticity is a genuine quality of self. Your Authenticity will be established when your audience senses you are …

Genuine – being true to yourself
In Hamlet (Act 1, Scene 3) Shakespeare wrote, "This above all: to thine ownself be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." Do not pretend to be someone you are not. Beyond honesty being the best policy, it is the only policy for a speaker.

Credible
Do not knowingly deceive or misrepresent the facts to your audience in order to support a false agenda. All professional speakers know that the most important character you bring to the stage is the one of a truthfulness that holds the highest respect for your audience, while you safeguard them from harm.

Valid
Your audience must understand the information you share has value. Value in your perspective, concreteness of fact, and the sincerity of your intent. Your content must be timely, accurate and impact them in a meaningful way.

Legitimate
As an authentic executive speaker, you confidently own content that is originally yours, credit fully content you have borrowed from others, and humbly share what you have learned with your audience.

Trustworthy
When writing on success, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Self-trust is the first secret of success.” You goal as an authentic executive speaker is to leave your audience feeling comfortable and trusting in the content you have shared. You must be able to help your audience trust you by showing them you trust yourself through both words and actions.

From Authenticity we connect to the next attribute, Brevity.

BREVITY

While Shakespeare was busy getting Hamlet to be a truer person, he was also letting us know that getting to the point of your message (not sword) is essential to effective speaking when he wrote, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

In executive circles, Brevity is a sign of respect. “Time is money,” as they say. In today’s business environment, people are doing more and more with less and less available time. They prize their time as the precious possession it is. Effective executive speakers do not waste their audience’s time.

In business this means being…

• Concise

• Succinct

• Economical

• Compact

Getting to the point requires you to weed out any content that may be unnecessary. It means you have to learn how to be precise in both content and language. It means learning how to be terse.

It’s tough to be terse.

Executive subject matter experts struggle with limiting the vastness of their knowledge when speaking to their audiences. They often dowse them with a fire hose when a sprinkler will do. Being economical of language and content is a great way to practice the brevity essential to your skill as an effective executive speaker.

Now we can bring it all together by connecting Authenticity and Brevity to the third attribute, Clarity.

CLARITY

For an effective executive speaker, Clarity equals Certainty. You speak and share only facts about which there is no doubt based on the current information you have validated.

To speak with Clarity, you must:

• Choose your words with a preciseness that avoids confusion or obfuscation.

• Avoid confusing your audience with a plethora of acronyms and jargon.

• Help your audience maintain their focus on what you are saying by limiting or removing all interferences including “ums”, “likes” and “you knows”.

• Speak clearly with proper pronunciation, articulation and grammar.

• Answer every question you pose.

• Be confident, assertive and determined.

• Clarity is the ability to help your audience remember and repeat the core of your message and the point of your speech.

GOOD LEADERS ARE EFFECTIVE EXECUTIVE SPEAKERS

Shiv Khers, one of the world’s leading self-help authors, motivational speakers and activists said, “There are good leaders who actively guide and bad leaders who actively misguide. Hence, leadership is about persuasion, presentation and people skills.”

Every executive ought to challenge their ability to be an effective executive speaker by learning and practicing The ABC’s of Executive Speaking. The Universe knows how sorely lacking and how desperately the world needs effective executive speakers. It shouldn’t take a survey to tell us what we already know. The best way to motivate, inspire and transform people is through the power of the spoken word. Humanity has been doing this since the first spark ignited a communal fire.

The best way for you to accelerate your career into and through the executive ranks, build consensus for your most important initiatives, and establish yourself as a thought leader in your professional field is to become a master of The ABC’s of Executive Speaking. When you do you will become highly valued and sought after by businesses, organizations, and colleagues.

This blog is rooted in helping my readers develop the essential people skills they need to succeed as speakers and in other areas of their lives. Many of you are executives, aspiring to become one, and/or a more successful speaker. This blog is here to support you with articles like this one. I deeply appreciate your support as a reader of my blog and I eagerly welcome any comments on this post or suggestions you might have for a future blog on a topic near and dear to you in the comments section below. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

It's Time for the Expert in You to Start Thinking Deeply About What You Feel, Know and Say.

“Learn as though you would never be able to master it;
Hold it as though you would be in fear of losing it”
Confucius

I recently had a gentleman ask me, “What does The Speech Wiz do?”
He asked me if I can help with body language, gestures, vocal variety and a host of other nonverbal speaking skills all of which I answered in the affirmative. Then he looked at me, paused and asked me a question that betrayed a deeper understanding of the most difficult aspect of a speaker’s skill.
“Do you coach people on what they should say?”
“Ah,” I said, “that’s a really insightful question. Why do you ask?”
“Because,” he responded, “I seem to hear a lot of people speak with great style and flair, but they don’t really say much of value. I guess that’s the hardest part.”
Kudos to him! His observation is spot on.

LEARNING TO SPEAK

When you learn to play an instrument, you begin by learning the basic skills long before you begin to refine the style and type of music you will one day play. And, just because you master one style doesn’t mean you will excel at all styles. Rudolph Nureyev was a master ballet dancer and a so-so tap dancer. Fred Astaire was a master tap dancer and a fairly good ballet dancer. The trick in becoming a Speaking Master is to find your theme and keep at it. It is rare when a thought leading speaker excels at more than one vein of thought.
Like any skill you practice, speaking is a multi-faceted skillset that can take years to master. In the process of learning how to say it well, the true master speaker spends enormous time and energy on what they want to say as well. They become masters of Content Creation within their core line of thought. Through this lengthy process of deep thinking, they aggregate a massive amount of existing knowledge and generate innovative new perspectives on their theme or passion.

THE MASTER’S VOICE

The goal of a Master Speaker or Thought Leader is to sprinkle their audience with a few concepts and suggestions that will allow the seeds of their message to take root. Most thought leaders begin as a Subject Matter Expert (SME). Their subject areas are incredibly diverse ranging from arts to science to philosophy to self-help and more. The toughest challenge for many SME speakers is controlling the amount of content they share with their audiences on each speaking occasion.
Unfortunately, for some audiences, some SME speakers rush to the speaking stage and in the process skip the lengthy deep thinking on their topic that is needed. This results with the SME speaker hitting their audience with a “firehose” of content overwhelming their processing ability and drowning out their unique message.
While what we say (verbal content) represents only 7% of the communicated message it is one of those rare times when the math of 7% and 93% are of equal value.
No matter how you run the numbers, what you say is just as important as how you say it. So, while all of the nonverbal skills (body movement, vocal variety, and personal presentation) are critical to being well received by your audience, having your message remembered and repeated by your audience because it has taken root is priceless. A Master Speaker’s Voice is that unique message they bring to their audience’s and the ease with which it takes root and grows its impact.

THE DEEPER THE THOUGHT, THE HIGHER THE MESSAGE

Deep thinking is a solitary experience. No Cliff® notes available. It is a self-occupying, constantly-curious, and never-ending experience. A speaker will never suffer a loss for the time invested in deeply thinking about their core topic. The journey is always exhilarating, liberating and profoundly beyond the intended destination.
If you’re a speaker and curious about how to craft your core message, deep thinking on your primary topic area is where you need to begin. Pick up your shovel and pick axe and get ready to begin exploring the mine of your mind. The nuggets of insight and gems of clarity you’ll be looking to find will be found among 3 Veins of Thought within your mind:

1. What you know

2. What you’re passionate about

3. The experiences you have had.

Together, these three veins will supply you with the relevant stories you need to support your profound observations, foundational phrase, and unique massage that create your speaking value.

THE RIVER OF DEEP THOUGHT

Ultimately, a speaker should desire to achieve a facility of topic knowledge and expression that makes them “at one” with their topic. Deep thinking speakers do not speak in a stream of consciousness. Instead they speak from a deep river of thought. From within this river, a speaker will exhibit two qualities of their knowledge, fluency and spontaneity, they use to create a genuine bond with their topic and their audience.

In the deep river of thought fluency means you speaker’s knowledge, insights and recommendations are endless. They flow without restriction or hesitation. This fluency has been derived from your process of extreme self-occupying, constantly-curious, and never-ending examination of the topic that is integral to you.

Spontaneity imbues you with all the qualities of a master river pilot. It enables you to see the hidden perils you might encounter in any part of your journey down your river of thought. With spontaneity you have the knowledge on where the deepest water is. You easily know how and where to cross the river to touch upon an adjoining shore of thought. With spontaneity, you can ride the swiftest or the choppiest water with the same level of confidence because you have deeply thought about the journey more than the destination.

DEEP THOUGHTS EQUAL DEEPER ROOTS

Your deep-thinking efforts will serve you well as you approach your speaking life. Read everything you can find about your area of expertise. Listen to other speakers who populate your topic space. Become a real student, a willing teacher and a giving master.

From your garden of deep thoughts, be the giver of your unique seeds others will eagerly plant, nurture, harvest and share. The more seeds you plant, the wider your crop will grow. The deeper your thoughts, the deeper the roots of the seeds you share will grow. In the end, your true value as an SME speaker will be realized when you can see the impact of your thoughts.

Above all, as a Subject Matter Expert speaker, remember to head the words of Confucius, “Learn as though you would never be able to master it; Hold it as though you would be in fear of losing it”. And, never stop the process of mining the 3 Veins of Thought within your mind.

I am delighted to share this Content Creation deep thought with you from my experiences as an Executive Speech Coach and a Success Speaker. I am grateful for your support as a reader of my blog and I welcome any comment on this post or suggestions you might have in the comments section below. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

A Simple Way You Can Create a Positive Mindset by Exchanging One Simple Word for Another

"Getting to Have what you Need is much better than
Having to Get what you Want.”
Don E. Smith

I often encounter articles extolling me to have “An Attitude of Gratitude.” Perhaps you do as well.

Gratitude is a powerful life-force. It is the verbal equivalent of chicken soup. If you use it in your life, it cannot hurt. I cannot think of a single instance in my life when someone expressed their gratitude to me and it did not have a positive effect, and vice versa. Gratitude is what we share with others when we are pleased by what they have done. You can convey your gratitude to someone for a job well done, a favor performed, or steadfast support of what matters to you. But, I’d like to challenge the habit of having “An Attitude of Gratitude” when we speak to ourselves.

The practice of positive self-talk is a critical element in any success strategy. If you tell yourself you are grateful for something you have done, acquired or achieved you are basically thanking yourself for doing something for yourself. I call this Appreciation because it recognizes your unique value.

Throughout my coaching practice, I have used a simple word switch technique to help my clients make a shift from Gratitude to Appreciation. By simply exchanging two words, “Have” and “Get” they have been able to eliminate stress and anxiety while increasing their energy and enthusiasm for leading and speaking.

While Gratitude and Appreciation are closely aligned they can be distinguished by how they align with your Wants & Needs.

THE 411 ON WANTS AND NEEDS

Back in 1969, The Rolling Stones shared with us this highly enlightened piece of philosophy:

“You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.”

There is so much wisdom in this line. I only wish I understood it’s value when I first heard it. To complicate matters even more, it’s highly unusual for you to have what you want until you get what you need. It’s even harder to keep it.

Every coaching relationship I have, whether for leadership or speaking, begins with an assessment of three things: 1) what does the client want to achieve, 2) what current assets and resources does the client currently have, and 3) what does the client need to get in order to fill the gap between the two.

Every person who has taken a class or has a passing interest in psychology knows about Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In its most simple view, it tells us that you cannot rise to the level above until you get what is needed in the level you currently occupy.

In terms of priorities, Needs always trumps Wants. The less you need to get, the easier it is to have what you want.

Wants are Haves and Needs are Gets.

“I want to have a vacation in the Caribbean, but I need to get more money and time to take it.”

THE BURDEN OF HAVING

Believe it or not, Having (wanting) is part of our Gratitude mindset. We are grateful for the things we have. If someone gives you a gift, you now “have” it and you must show your gratitude to them for giving it to you. Because they don’t “have” to give it to you, the burden is on you to make sure they know you are thankful. Gifts come with the responsibility to show how grateful you are for the gift by using it and taking care of it.

There is an old joke that goes like this. A mother asks her son, “What do you want for your birthday?” The young man says, “I want a new tie Ma.” On the day of his birthday his mother gives her son not one, but two ties as a present. The next day he comes downstairs for breakfast wearing one of the ties. His mother looks him over quizzically and then asks him, “What’s the matter… you didn’t like the other tie?”

Want to Have to Responsibility, I couldn’t have said it better.

Think of all of the things you have wanted that you know have. Do these “haves” tend to weigh you down. You want to own a house, but you have to maintain it. You want a job to help pay the mortgage, but you have to work it.

THE BLESSING OF GETTING

Let’s play my little word switching game. Here are a series of responsibilities. When you read them, can you feel them weighing you down?

I have to pay my mortgage.
I have to paint my house.
I have pick up my kids.
I have pick up my cleaning.
I have to work late.
I have to call my mom.

Now let’s switch the word Get for the word Have in each of these sentences.

I get to pay my mortgage.
I get to paint my house.
I get pick up my kids.
I get pick up my cleaning.
I get to work late.
I get to call my mom.

As you read each of these statements, do they make you feel more appreciative of the things in your life? Appreciation is a positive mindset that celebrates Opportunity. You may not like your lousy job with your over-bearing, clueless boss, but at least you get to work.

The formulas looks like this:

(Want + Have) * Gratitude = Responsibility
(Need + Get) * Appreciation = Opportunity

GETTING TO LEAD & SPEAK

I am always amused when someone tells me they have to give a speech, run a meeting, or address an industry gathering. The last time I looked, I don’t remember any of these things being done under threat of physical harm.

Speaking and leading are getting things. They are unique Opportunities, ripe with potential and unlimited possibility. They should be embraced with wide open arms, abundant enthusiasm, and focused intention. They are special things to be fully appreciated upon both receiving and completing. Perhaps more people would step up to seize theses unique moments if they could make the shift from having a daunting responsibility to getting an unbridled opportunity.

The next time you feel you have to do something because you feel a responsibility to do it, practice some positive self-talk and switch the word get for have. It will help you eliminate stress and anxiety while increasing your energy and enthusiasm. You will be better positioned to seize the opportunity before you with full appreciation for the reward it brings as both a leader and speaker. When you do, you will see that “Getting to Have what you Need is much better than Having to Get what you Want.”

I am delighted that I get to share this blog with you and I am grateful for your support. Remember, you don’t have to leave a comment on this post or suggestions in the comments section below, but you get to do so with my sincere gratitude. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

Why the sheer brilliance of using a deep conversation to create a high-value relationship is utterly priceless.

"Deep conversations with the right people are priceless."
Anonymous

As of late, the art of conversation has been taking a beating. We all know it and, most importantly, we all see it. People still meet for lunch or dinner, but they don’t talk much to each other. Instead, they just immerse themselves in technology, only occasionally sharing a tweet or text. It’s all very surface level and hardly ever goes deeply into what really matters. While they are developing relationships, many of these people are missing out on the priceless value deeper conversation offers.

THE ART OF THE PRICELESS

For many years, I have been coaching my leadership and speaking clients to get out of their ivory tower and talk to their people. If all you know about a person is what is on their resumé, you “don’t know nothin’” about them. The same thing goes for colleagues as well. I once worked at a communications agency where we were prohibited from talking to each other except as it related to work.

A communications agency!

Hard to believe? Not really.

In many corporate circles, conversation is considered a waste of time. Idle chatter. The devil’s playground.

But, research has found that practicing the art of conversation is a sound business strategy. Even without the research, having deep conversations with clients, colleagues and audiences is a fundamentally sound behavior. After all, when you take a business and separate the processes and product from the enterprise what you have left are the people that work there. The same people that will spend endless hours pouring their souls into a product or service can hardly be bothered to explore and discover what matters most in their professional, public, and personal lives.

For many leaders, conversations may appear to be an unnecessary, costly expense. But what they are destined to learn when building a high-functioning team, is that deep conversations between the players is critical. This may not be news to some, but it is certainly a revelation on the state of human nature to many. What some leaders and speakers may view as a costly extravagance is actually a priceless experience.

Recently, Joe Maddon, World Series winning manager of the Chicago Cubs, has begun taking to dinner players who may be struggling or underperforming. It is his belief that getting to know the player better through deep conversations is a critical part of his job. He knows there is a postive benefit when the player knows his manager has concern for more than what happens between the foul lines. Maddon is it in for the long game, because winning is the result of lots of small wins collected over time. He knows winning in life has a direct correlation to winning on the field. He sees a manager’s role as not just managing how a team plays but managing the people who play on the team as well.

Deep conversations are the very foundation of a strong relationship. To build a strong lasting relationship all parties have to be invested in the process. Or, as our giraffes in the photo accompanying this blog demonstrate, sometimes you have to be willing to stick your neck out to get results. To build a strong relationship through deep conversations you must be willing to give details and disclosures about yourself (company) as well as receive the same in return from the other side of the relationship. Deep conversations really are priceless.

THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT CYCLE

A while back, I developed The Relationship Development Cycle, a model for helping all of my clients learn how they could build stronger relationships. Stronger relationships with their clients, teams, and audiences. Through the use of this model, my clients are able to deepen the relationships they have with themselves (as leaders and speakers) and with others in the course of doing business, enhancing their communities, and enriching their personal and family lives.

The Relationship Development Cycle has five stages (Desire, Exploration, Discovery, Negotiation and Acceptance) that continuously revolve around a central hub (Trust) for stability. The engagement of this model can help anyone develop a deeper understanding and relationship with any person, place or thing. You can apply it to a skillset or a dataset. It works the same so long as the first stage (Desire) is present in the relationship. Without Desire, all relationships crumble through entropy and eventually cease to exist. It is one reason we tend to lose friendships over time. Without the Desire to maintain the relationship, it has a natural tendency to falter.

The hub of Trust acts to align the relationship based on the truthfulness of the information exchanged throughout the relationship.

If (when engaging this model to develop a deeper personal relationship with yourself about a skill, emotion or experience) you cannot maintain complete honesty, your self-relationship will spin out of alignment due to an imbalance of honest information. Since we often “lie” to ourselves as a defense mechanism many of us don’t often have the best relationships with ourselves. Don’t you deserve better?

You are one of the right people. Have a deep conversation with yourself.

The ability to build a strong relationship is not a “just add water” activity. It takes time, sincerity, honesty, creativity, and bravery to expose yourself willingly to another person (including yourself). For western thinkers it requires the ability to allow yourself time for reflection. Something the western mind tends to struggle with grasping.

In a recent commencement address to his daughter’s graduations class, Chief Justice John Roberts urged the graduates to “to stay involved with yourself." He imparted to them the following sentiment, "My advice is, when you get to college, to set a little time aside each day to think about things instead of simply acquiring more information. Do not read more, do not research more, do not take notes. Put aside books, papers, computers, telephones. Sit, perhaps just for a half hour, and think about what you're learning."

SOUND BUSINESS THINKING

If your goal is to build better work groups with higher levels of performance and reliability, I can recommend no better way than to practice The Relationship Development Cycle. Challenge all members of your organization to learn more about who they are, what they want and what they need from the work they do by engaging this model between themselves. Once you learn what people dream to achieve, you will see how you can help them fuel that desire.

For leaders and speakers, The Relationship Development Cycle is critical to developing the deep thought platforms you seek to use when communicating concepts and processes to your audience. By engaging The Relationship Development Cycle you’ll learn to stretch your ability for self-examination, strengthen your thinking muscle, and overcome the tendency to settle for the easy answers to tough questions. Remember, your value to individuals and organizations rest solely on the uniqueness of your vision and your ability to effectively articulate that vision with authority, brevity and clarity.

Click this link for a free copy of my one-page document about The Relationship Development Cycle and feel free to share it with colleagues, friends and partners. Most importantly, share The Relationship Development Cycle with yourself. Start today to begin building a strong relationship with yourself on a host of topics through deep intrapersonal conversations. You’ll soon see the most amazing transformation begin to happen when you stick your neck out just a little.

While you’re at it, stick your neck out a little and please share your comments on this post or suggestions in the comments section below. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer