How you can avoid violating the safety zone of speaking discretion?

Can you keep a secret?

Most of us believe we can. In fact, we shock ourselves when we “leak” the contents of a confidential and trusted tidbit of information. Pressure, from within and without, is often the cause of our indiscretion when it comes to divulging that which we heretofore believed we would not. Peer pressure, job pressure, and the inevitable “I know something you don’t know” can create such internal pressure on the human mind the only cure is to vent the hot info being contained. But what happens when you divulge secret or confidential information without even knowing you are doing it?

Over the last 40 years we have heard a lot about leaks. From The Pentagon Papers to “Deep Throat” of the Watergate era to the WikiLeaks War Logs. It seems humans have a proclivity for divulging information they acquire confidentially. In truth, the motive to “do the right thing” is undeniably at the root of some of this behavior. I will not contest that here, mainly because truth, like beauty, is in the eye (or ear) of the beholder.

What I would like to discuss here is how seemingly reliable people innocently divulge confidential information all the time without even realizing they are doing it. Are you one of them?

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Ever since the invention of the cell phone, I find that I am repeatedly assaulted, exposed, and inundated with more private information than I care to process. A whole lot of it is TMI that I would really, really prefer never to hear. Once, while waiting at the car wash, I heard a complete break-up of a relationship. Who would want to expose this most private detail in a public forum? “Can you hear me now” seems to be more of a strategy than a marketing slogan.

“Yes, I can hear you now. And, frankly, I’d like you to take it down a notch or two or four or even eight.”

From restaurants to theaters to planes, trains and sidewalks more and more people are screaming the details of their private lives at levels loud enough for everybody to hear; two towns over, whether they choose to hear it or not.

I was raised with an understanding of a “restaurant voice”. The one to use when you are in a discrete social setting. The only time it was appropriate to raise your voice was when you sang “Happy Birthday” to another member of your party or another diner in the establishment as a well wishing for the occasion. Now, the level of vocal pollution in restaurants and cafés from people conducting wide open discussions on the mobile devices is deafening and a good deal of it is not for public consumption.

Heck, we didn’t even speak that loud when we were kids connecting to each other over two tine cans and a waxed line.

THE INNOCENT EAVESDROPPER

During the last week, I needed to alter my routine due to the devastation from an F1 tornado and macro burst that knocked out power throughout the area where I live. While conducting business in a well-known bread eatery, I noticed many other business people taking advantage of the free wi-fi and power to do the same. One group, seated just a table away, was conducting a meeting and openly discussing business information and strategy with complete abandonment at a vocal level loud enough for me to know who they were, what they were saying, etc.

I’m sure these are intelligent, well-intentioned people. I can’t say for sure, but they might have been sharing some of the same proprietary information probably covered by the non-disclosure agreement they may have signed upon being hired.

Nice people, behaving in an easily avoidable way is quickly becoming a common denominator.

THE FOUR ZONES OF SPEAKING DISCRETION

Wise leaders and effective speakers understand the power of artfully placed discretion as a critical element of their speaking success. More importantly, they understand the appropriate range of volume to be used in each setting. They know the Four Zones of Speaking Discretion.

The Four Zones of Speaking Discretion are:

1. Public

2. Social

3. Personal

4. Intimate

Each zone has an appropriately accompanying range of speaking volume. Knowing how to apply each range effectively is a key to commanding your speaking effectiveness and enjoying the success it brings.

Let’s briefly look at each zone.

Public:

• 12 feet or more from you and your listener.

• Volume range 8 – 10
  10 is the maximum. (Sorry, no room for a Spinal Tap “11” here).

Think open forum. Cheerleaders use this voice to excite the crowd, police to issue a warning, and doctors to issue an emergency command. When people are on their mobile phones they use this volume level because they cannot see the other person. This leads their brain to processes their target as being more than 12 feet away. The fact is, with a mobile phone, assuming your recipient has the phone to their ear, you are usually less than 12 inches away (Intimate Zone)

Social:

• 4 feet to 12 feet in range from the speaker to the receiver.

• Volume range 5 – 7

This is your typical board room or conference room setting. Your voice needs to be loud enough to be heard but not so loud as to be overpowering. (Unless that is the result you intend to get.)

Personal:

• 18 inches to 4 feet.

• Volume range 2– 4

This is the space usually observed between two to four people in a closely held conversation. Confidential communication can freely be exchanged without fear of discovery by others. My group in the bread café, in this zone, were speaking with a volume between 8 and 9.

Intimate:

• 0 – 18 inches

• Volume range .25 – 1.75

This is the space that should be saved for the most private information. The Godfather new this. He would have his listener lean in real close and whisper his wishes in their ear. Everyone always got the message and meaning from the Godfather. They may have not been sweet nothings, but the whispers were effective and successful. Try to imagine The Godfather sitting in his favorite eatery communicating delicate “business” to his consigliore on his cell phone with a public voice. The authorities would have loved that – a lot.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Now that you know how to safely avoid violating the safety zones of speaking discretion, use this information to protect yourself as a speaker and leader. Every speaking opportunity has the appropriate zone of information and accompanying voice volume. Using these effectively will contribute to your confidence and authority as both a leader and speaker.

As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague. Also, please share your comments on this post or suggestions in the comments section below.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

If a problem is an opportunity you've yet to solve, then a mistake is just a lesson you've yet to learn.

99% of all disappointments in life are the result of misaligned expectations.

OK, that’s a pretty big claim. But I think if you mull it over you’ll find it to be true more often than not. Nowhere is this more evident in the falsely laid expectation organizations tend to have regarding the consistency of human performance.

Let’s face it, humans are not perfect. We make mistakes. Some days a few, other days too many to reckon. But, it is not the mistakes that cause either short or long-term harm. The deepest scars are left by our failure to profit from the experience by making the appropriate changes to our thinking and process.

Getting Better by Mistake

“To err is human, to forgive divine.” (from “An Essay on Criticism,” by Alexander Pope.) But to not learn from your mistakes is a diabolical shame. More importantly, it is a waste of your potential. And, while “God may help those who help themselves,” you’re pretty much on your own if you can’t figure out how to get better by mistake.

Getting better by mistake is a concept detailed in Alina Tugend’s book, Better by Mistake. The subtitle of the book is, “The Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong.” So many good things happen when you take risks. Especially if the risks are predicated on your willingness to accept that you might not reach your intended goal, but you will learn from the process. By the way, sometimes the results of a “mistake” can be more profitable than your original goal.

Take Post-it Notes. 3M did, and they’ve never regretted it. At 3M there is a massive culture encouraging employees to explore with plenty of allowance for mistakes. Here’s what happened in 1968 at 3M.

No one set out to invent sticky notes. Instead Dr. Spencer Silver, a chemist at 3M Company, invented a unique, low-tack adhesive that would stick to things but also could be repositioned multiple times. He was trying to invent a super-strong adhesive, but he came up with a super-weak one instead. What an incredible way to get “better by mistake”!

Every Mistake is a Lesson

When the result of an effort ends short of the goal we humans tend to analyze that result. We’re searching for an answer. Not to what went right, but what went wrong. Often the data reveals a mistake as the culprit. A mistake in judgement, estimation, calculation, intensity, application, attitude, etc.

Albert Einstein is most often credited with having said, “The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.” Guess what? He never did. But, despite Einstein’s vehement protest to the contrary, people just keep attributing this quote to him. This is ironic. While a string of intelligent people collectively continuing to make the same mistake over and over again, they are failing to learn from their mistake of their ways. They are destined to exist in this insanity loop doomed to repeat their mistake due to popular misconception and perhaps intellectual laziness. They are blind to their own mistake. Perhaps this is the real definition of insanity, “The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and not learn what went wrong from the mistake we are making.”

So many people misattribute quotes, there are enough to fill a book I have in my library by Paul F. Boller, Jr. and John George titled They Never Said It. And, Einstein is not even in the book!

Mastering the Mechanics of Mistakes

Since mistakes are inevitable, it makes a lot of sense to plan for them. In the science the culture is to detail every step of an experiment with two thoughts in mind. One, is have precise data in order to replicate the result should it be positive. The other, should the result not be positive, is to not replicate the result by varying a step or ingredient.

When you engage with people it makes great sense to expect less than perfection from them. It is extremely rare when a less than perfect being can create something of perfection. No matter how hard we try, everything we create has a seam on it. And that’s OK. We’re willing to live with that because we accept that. In fact, we find a comfort in the divine perfection of imperfection. There are even places where creating a near-perfect seam is rewarded. (Think tailoring.)

In her book, Ms. Tugend tackles the myth that “Perfectionists make better workers.” Her study finds that many perfectionists fear challenging tasks, take fewer risks and are less creative than non-perfectionists. One reason she offers may be that perfectionists so dread receiving feedback they don’t develop the same creative risk-taking skills as non-perfectionists.

My Advice

My advice is simple. Embrace the experience. Prepare with the maximum of intention and preparation. Allow others to provide insights, feedback and support. Encourage yourself and others to grow through measured risk-taking and learn from the incremental mistakes that happen along the way. Assess what you knew before and what you’ve learned after the experience. Analyze the gap between them and then get better by mistake. Learn from the lessons of the adventure.

PS

If you’d like to know where the “Einstein” quote may have originated, quote investigators offer this tidbit. The famous quote can be found in Rita Mae Brown’s 1983 novel Sudden Death. In the novel the main character, Jane Fulton, is a critical sports writer who contends “Modern professional sports rewards players for function instead of character.” Finally, after following the lives and careers of the players, and the game itself, she concludes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again but expecting different results.” This may not settle the origination argument, but it gets us closer to closing the mistake gap.

Also, in 1983 Samuel Beckett, winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature, offered a counterpoint perspective in his work “Worstward Ho”: “All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Perhaps the best lesson we can learn that will help us get better by mistake is to “fail better” with each attempt.

Please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague. As always, share your comments on this post or suggestions in the comments section below.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer